I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
