No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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