He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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