You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
