I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
