I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
