im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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