If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
