Banned from zoo.
Again?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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