The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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