conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
