He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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