Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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