life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
