Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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