what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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