my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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