I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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