Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
