i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
