I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
