just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
