I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
