I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Randomize
