JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
