Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
