May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
