I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
