dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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