I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
