Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
