I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
