I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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