is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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