Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
