theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
