the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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