I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
