tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Found the puke drawer
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
