How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
