Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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