Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
