So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I am one with the molecules
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
