i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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