My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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