I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
