i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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