did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
