Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
