now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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