literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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